Hello,
I am Scott and I am a sinner. Although I have known this on some level for my entire adult life, I finally “got it” about 2 years ago. Now, as a baby in the faith, still drinking milk, I figure it worthwhile to document my journey. I wished I would have started earlier, both the journey and the documenting.
This is my quick testimony:
When I was about 17 or so, I recited the “sinner’s prayer” outside Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa California. I cannot even begin to describe the physical sensation I felt as I prayed that prayer. It was not an emotional experience, rather it was certainly physical. I felt it.
Even at that young age, I had dabbled in sin sufficient to make many hardened criminals cringe.
Then, just to prove my depravity, I consciously ignoring God it for the next 30 years or so. Oh, I could forget Him for weeks, then months at a time, but He always managed to remind me of Himself. Normally, this was very subtle, just a passing thought. During this time, I sought out and participated in every imaginable sort or sin.
About 5 years ago, I was in a life-changing car wreck. I should have died that day, and I live with the consequences still. I likely will for the rest of my days. 28 broken bones, 4 skull fractures an spinal fluid leaking out of my left ear. Surely, you say, this is enough to show a man the need to seek after God. After all, in His mercy, I was lucky to be alive, However, I argued against that very point, saying “There ain’t nothing lucky about this”. Talk about a hardened heart.
I was a construction worker at the time, and I returned to work WAY too soon. A guy’s got to have a paycheck, eh? This didn’t bode well, but I was struck by a passing comment from one of the foremen. He said “Apparently God still has something for you to do”. This struck me as truth. But did I turn my stony heart to the LORD? Absolutely not. But I became fond of saying “God still has something for me to do, but I haven’t figured out what it is yet”.
Sad to say, but do you know what it took for me to finally seek God? - Money.
After the economy crashed in 2008, I became very despondent. I grew downright unpleasant to be around as the weeks being unemployed turned into months being unemployed. My wife, being the smart lady she is, put her foot where it doesn’t belong and made me go back to college. I don’t think either of us ever intended that I would graduate, but it was something to keep my mind occupied, and it provided a bit of income in the form of grants and student loans. Literally, we were living on borrowed money.
Anyway, after about a year of this, I started feeling overwhelmed by school, the growing debt we were incurring, and my lack of healing. About that time, I started re-connecting with old friends, inquiring about God. I felt drawn in a way I had never experienced. One of my dearest friends had recently become active in a Primitive Baptist Church in Texas. As a gift, he sent me a very condensed version of the Doctrines of Grace (Tulip), by Elder Bradley of the Cincinnati PBC. He asked that I open my mind and listen. So for the next couple days, I would listen to it on my way to school. I was about 3/4 way through Disk #2 (Unconditional Election) when it occurred to be that I might just be among the Elect of God. Elder Bradley was certainly describing me perfectly! I was struck so hard, that I had to push the pause button on the CD player in my truck, and pull over to think about what I had just heard. I realized that the reason I had ignored God all these years was that a) God had not yet called me, and b) I had never been taught of a powerful God. I had always been taught of a God sitting helplessly by, waiting for some poor creature like me to “accept” Him.
Suddenly, I hungered for the word! I began reading my bible almost daily. I struggled with the King’s English of the KJV, but read and re-read the new testament. Following the advice of a talk show host on TV, I started praying on my knees each day. I had no idea how to pray, so I prayed the “Our Father” each and every day, hoping the Holy Spirit would intercede and make my prayers known to God. There’s been no turning back since!
I have become convinced that I never chose God, rather He chose me. I have come to realize that of myself I am nothing whatsoever. It is all of God. I am grateful beyond words that He would even notice a sinner like me; arguably the the chief of sinners.
As can be imagined, there is much more to the story. But I believe this should suffice for now. I look forward to posting more about this journey, catching up with the story, and then describing it as I go.
Praise be to Jesus.
God’s peace is my wish for anyone who happens upon my musings.
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