Does this song ever end?

So very much has happened in the last couple months. I do not know where to begin.

I know so little in this world, but I have known one basic truth in the past 10 years: that my wife loves me unconditionally. If you count the past 3 years, I have known 2 truths, which now include my faith that the Lord came, lived, died, and raised.

Of these 2 things I have been certain. Of anything else, I only had opinions. I am cynical as they come, having been betrayed in one form or another by about anyone I’ve ever known for longer than about 10 years. Perhaps it is my trusting nature, in which I easily bare my soul for all to see, but I can count the people who have never betrayed me on one hand and I am 50 years old.

Almost a month ago now, one of these 2 truths I know was shattered, when my wife, out of the blue, told me she wants a divorce. No warning, no sign, no indication or discussion beforehand; just one Thursday evening she asked if I had noticed tension the past couple days. I said I had, and asked if I had done something wrong. She said that no I had not, but she has been thinking and wants a divorce. Among the reasons is that I have turned Christian, and we no longer have many common interests. In fairness, I was not a Christian when we met or when we married.

This was both of our 2nd marriages. Her first husband claimed to be Christian, but he was the type of Christian that would dangle the sinner over hell. He often told my wife how she was going to hell for whatever reason. He showed her that Christianity was something to be despised, to the point that when I first started growing interested in the things of God, she warned me very plainly: If I got carried away with my Christianity, there would be consequences.

I took this to heart, and never, ever tried to impose any of it on her. In hindsight, this was likely a mistake. I should have shared more of it with her.

Anyway, without so much as a discussion beforehand, my wife left me and has cut off all communication with me. This shattered one of the 2 basic truths I knew about the world, and has caused me to doubt anything I ever knew to be true. I still love the Lord, I still consider it an honor beyond my words that He might even consider including me in His eternal plan, but now I question. I question. I question.

I am 50 years old. Too old to even think about ever seeking another woman. I do not want another woman, but I am already so very lonely. The walls are closing in in this tiny house I am renting. I am progressing through the stages of grief, having been from sad to mad, and now struggling every day to keep the bitterness at bay.

I try to read scripture, which has provided me with such comfort. I find myself unable to concentrate and discover that my mind has wandered for 20 minutes in the middle of reading.

I have been supported by my Pastor and Assistant Pastor, to the point that I feel uncomfortable even asking for more of their time. I know fully that either would pshaw such a statement off, as I am sure either would gladly provide me with more time to talk, more shoulder to lean on. But it’s me; I can’t bring myself to ask for more time and sympathy.

I don’t know the time schedules for such things, but I keep telling myself that it has been almost a month, and I should be getting over it by now, or at least beginning to. But the hurt is still just as raw as it was from the beginning.

So as I wonder “Why me?” and “Why did this happen?”, I am reminded of a teacher who would answer “Why NOT you?” and “Why would you expect God to tell you?” I have learned beyond a certainty over the course of me life that all things do indeed happed for a reason. I long to know the reason for this one, this very shaking of my foundation.

Pitiful that a 50 year old guy can be so broken by a woman, especially a non-Christian woman.

I am thinking about missionary work. I have absolutely nothing holding me here any more. My body is broken (literally) and my heart and mind are bruised. I do not have many skills, but certainly I can help somewhere.

I will give this more thought and prayer. I would appreciate any prayer you, dear reader, can spare.

Simplicity at its dumbest

As a relatively new Christian (about 2+ years), there is what I am sure is a very basic concept I am struggling with.

There are periods of time in which I feel very close to the Lord, and sure of my salvation. There are almost an equal number of times that I feel He is far from me and I question it.

Does this make any sense? I mean, you either believe or you don’t, right? Ok, so I believe. But fairly often, I have to “convince” myself that I believe. I pray daily for stronger faith, but still struggle with this.

I guess all I am hoping for is to discover that this is not unusual for a child of God. My biggest fear is that I am not so much running to the LORD, but running from hell.

If you read this, may the Peace or the LORD be with you!

Husbands, love your wives

Ephesians 5:

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, ²⁶ so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, ²⁷ that He might present to Himself the church ^[a]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. ²⁸ So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; ²⁹ for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, ³⁰ because we are members of His body. (NASB)

Here we find a real failing of mine. I remember about the time I became noticeably interested in living a Christian life. My wife told me that if I were to “go overboard” with it there would be real trouble. Before you go too hard on her, please understand that she and I are both on our 2nd marriages. When we met and married, neither of us were Christians and I certainly didn’t have any interest in it.

Her first husband was a professing Christian, who spent a lot of energy telling her about the things she was going to hell over. He is really over the top Arminian, who speaks constantly of what is grounds of God’s condemnation, in terms of what actions, or works, God finds acceptable and especially what God does NOT find acceptable. Of course, much of this is rooted in Mosaic law, and in the traditions of his church. To this day, he informs their daughter (my step-daughter) of all the things she does to would seemingly ensure her place in hell. This type of preaching is what I refer to as dangling the sinner over the lake of fire. If we really wanted to start down such a path, I could point to several character flaws of his as well, that by using his standard, I am sure he would be condemned as well. But I see little point in traveling down that path here. The point is that my wife is very anti-religion. In a way, I am as well, but with different outcomes. My disdain for much of religion results in my being a very non-denominational biblicist of a Pauline doctrine. Her disdain for religion is that she is almost like a worshipper of Ba’al (all the other gods) as she believes piecemeal from many different world religions.

If I am to be the spiritual leader of my house, I have failed miserably. I pray each and every day that my wife and my children might come to know Christ. I pray that I might be the method God would use. Each time, however, that I bring up the subject, I am promptly shut down. My wife has no interest.

I am reassured that even though I had no interest in God for a LOT of years, once He decided to introduce Himself, it was a done deal. I know this is also the case with my wife. If God chooses to introduce Himself, His will will be done. This knowledge is of minimal comfort though, given my zeal for the Word, and my desire to share it with my wife.

Young husbands, take the word of an old-timer. Take the time now, and save yourself some guilt later.

God’s peace be with you.

Perseverance of the Saints (TULIP)

As I have mentioned before, I regularly need to be re-grounded.Quite often, I return to the Doctrines of Grace, to reseat myself in basic truth.

I just started listening to the message again, this time by a speaker (MacArthur) who I had never heard this message preached by before. Unusual in his delivery, as he begins the message with the Perseverance of the Saints.

What a blessing this series is. Pastor MacArthur has solved one of the dilemmas I have struggled with: How in the world can I know that I will persevere? The answer: I won’t, I can’t. God’s mercy and grace is what will persevere! It’s not that because God's grace that I will find the strength to persevere, It is God’s grace, in giving me faith, that will endure.

I have spent a lot of energy worrying about my sometimes-fragile faith. How can I hope to sustain it till the end? Simple fact is that I can’t. Only God can. What a comfort!

God bless Pastor MacArthur for verbalizing this for me in a way that finally clicked. And thanks be to God for showing me this teacher.

God’s grace and peace unto you!

Finally did it

After being warned repeatedly by teacher I respect, I broke down and watched a little TBN on TV. In less that 1/2 hour, I was witness to two different men who claim to be apostles. I was also treated to the notion that if I have faith enough, I can receive whatever it is that I pray for NOW! Of course, both of these entertainers were preaching at mega-churches, and both of them were wearing enough jewelry to buy a small island. And, of course, both were also offering to sell me a guide on how to name it and claim it. About 20 minutes into this, I could stand no more and turned the TV off.

You know, this sort of prosperity preaching begs a question: If all that is required for “the best life now” through faith, why did the true apostles ALL die horrible martyrs deaths?

On a brighter note, if the Lord wills and I live, I will soon receive a believer’s baptism. Of this I am excited beyond words. I was “baptized” as an infant (the sprinkling of water), but now wish to publicly and humbly proclaim my faith in Jesus before the church, and be baptized in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Praise be to the LORD!

Failure of the Free-Will’ist

I have recently been dabbling in Apologetics, as I have mentioned. I have basically abandoned Apologetics, in favor of learning Eschatology. This does not mean I have lost all interest in Apologetics, and in fact I still regularly check out Apologetics web sites.

Though I caught a bit of an Arminian bent to the Christian Apologetics Research Ministry (CARM), I still visited pretty regularly when I had a few minutes to blow. The other day, I downloaded a couple audio files from them, consisting of debates between the host (Matt Slick) and atheists. If I may be so bold, Mr. Slick had his butt handed to him when it came to defending such basics as assurance of salvation, suffering in the world, etc. Apparently, the Arminian position has some trouble with such topics, as they worship a god who has no real power, rather who is waiting for his creatures to do something so he can respond.

The God I worship is powerful, leaving no doubts of His being in control of all things, small and great. The God I worship does not need me, nor anyone else to validate His decrees. In short, He is God whether I “accept it” or not.

If the topic of Apologetics interests you, might I suggest James White’s ministry at Alpha & Omega Ministries. Solid teaching there, allowing God to be the God of the bible, who needs nothing from us loathsome sinners, rather chooses to grant grace to some of us.

Could Lazarus Have Said No?

Opportunities

At church today, I was allowed to read the Pastoral Text prior to the service. This is something, because a) I was trusted with the Word in a corporate worship, and b) I drove today to church thinking I would like to do this.

When I first started attending this church, there was a young man who would, each week, read the text the Pastor was to preach/teach on at the opening of the service. He stopped coming a short while ago, for reasons unknown to me. I do not know if he is going to return, or if he is just temporarily absent.

Anyway, today the Pastor was going to read the text, following his making weekly announcements. During the announcements, he cleared is throat several times, and today’s text was a bit long. Before reading it, he asked if one of us in the congregation would read. Not knowing if I would be allowed, as I am not a full member yet, I raised my hand and was asked to read.

I am humbled and honored that the Pastor would entrust the Word of God to me, as I am not yet officially a member of the body. I am stricken that all I had to do is wonder about it for a couple weeks, think consciously about it today, and was presented with the opportunity.

Thanks be to God, and may the Lord’s peace be with you if you are reading.

Theological and Hermeneutical Gymnastics

The bible is replete with information and directions concerning such things as atonement, salvation, justification, history, etc. But there is one topic that seems to permeate every section: eschatology. Eschatology is the study of the end times. PLUS, it is an impressive sounding word to use (try it later with your friends and impress them all).

All through the Old Testament and throughout the New, the time of the end, the day of the Lord, Jacob’s trouble and such topics are returned to again and again. It is a fascinating subject, which has been thoroughly confused by the type of thinking that led to the “Left Behind” books and the like. These ideas would lead us to believe that the Anti-Christ would rise out of Greece, and that the 10-nation confederacy would come out of the European Union. Those not raptured could still “accept Jesus” and be saved, so long as they do so before His return. A literal hermeneutic (method of reading the bible and yet another fancy word) does not allow for either of these ideas. A literal reading forces one to conclude that the Anti-Christ will rise out of the middle eastern areas which were, when Revelation was written, under the control of Rome. This same literal reading forces one to conclude the 10-nation confederacy will consist of the ancient enemies of Israel, which predictably, are the same enemies they have to this day. Remember, God declared there would always be enmity between them.

There are several reasons why the idea that those “left behind” who could still be saved only works with one people group – the Israelites, and more specifically, members of the scattered tribes. First is that Christians; the Church, are snatched away (Raptured) before the final week of years (7 year tribulation). Those not among the elect of Israel will not “still have a chance” because a great deception will be cast upon them, and they will not seek God because they cannot seek God. Don’t blame me, I didn’t say these things; Isaiah, Daniel, and the Apostles John and Paul said them.
Each of these writers had language available to them. Each wrote about things they had seen, not what they had imagined. Each could (and often did) know how to describe something that was “like” or “such as”  something else. Instead, when they wrote “I saw…”, this leaves very little room for theological gymnastics. No jumping through hoops is required.

What is truly amazing to me is how many people in “reformed theology” circles will use a literal hermeneutic when reading about salvation, but will flop 180 degrees and use a figurative hermeneutic and start allegorizing like crazy when they arrive at the most common topic of the bible, the time of the end.

A man? God? The fulfillment of prophecy? Yes.

I will describe a person and his life. Please tell me who I am writing about, assuredly and without question:

• Those who hate me without cause are more numerous than the hairs on my head (Ps 69:40)
• The kings of the earth take their stand and the rulers conspire together against the Lord and His Anointed One (Ps 2:2)
• Even my friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted up his heel against me (Ps 41:9)
• Strike the shepherd and the sheep will be scattered (Zch 13:7)
• “Then I said to them, ‘If it seems right to you, give me my wages; but if not, keep them’. So they weighed my wages, 30 pieces of silver. ‘Throw it to the potter,’ the Lord said to me—this magnificent price I was valued by them. So I took the 30 pieces of silver and threw it into the house of the Lord, to the potter” (Zch 13:7)
• They are striking the judge of Israel on the cheek with a rod (Mc 5:1)
• I gave My back to those who beat Me, and My cheeks to those who tore out My beard. I did not hide My face from scorn and spitting (Is 50:6)
• They pierced my hands and my feet (Ps 22:16)
• My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? (Ps 22:1)
• Everyone who sees me mocks me; they sneer and shake their heads: ‘He relies on the Lord’; let Him rescue him; let the Lord deliver him, since He takes pleasure in Him (Ps 22:7-8)
• They gave me gall for my food, and for my thirst they gave me vinegar to drink (Ps 69:21)
• I am poured out like water, and all my bones are disjointed; my heart is like wax, melting within me (Ps 22:14)
• Yet He himself bore our sickness, and He carried out our pains; but we in turn regarded Him stricken, struck down by God, and afflicted (Is 53:34)
• He was oppressed and afflicted, yet He did not open his mouth. Like a lamb led to the slaughter and a sheep silent before her shearers, he did not open His mouth (Is 53:7)
• They divided my garments among themselves, and they cast lots for my clothing (Ps 22:18)
• He submitted Himself to death (Is 53:12)
• He bore the sin of many and interceded for the rebels (Is 53:12)
• You may not break any of its bones (Ex 12:46)
• He protects all his bones; not one of them is broken (Ps 34:20)
• They will look at Me whom they pierced (Zch 12:10)
• They made his grave with the wicked. and with a rich man at His death, although He had done no violence and had not spoken deceitfully (Is 53:9)
• For you will not abandon me to Sheol; You will not allow Your Faithful One to see the Pit (Ps 16:10)
• You ascended to the heights, taking away captives; You received gifts from people, even from the rebellious, so that the Lord God might live there (Ps 68:18)
• The Lord declared to my Lord: ‘Sit at My right hand until I make your enemies Your footstool (Ps 100:1)

Is there any question whatsoever that what is being described is is the life, ministry, suffering, death and resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth? Is there any question in your mind? No, that could refer to nothing else.

Now go back and check these descriptions again. Each and every one of these scriptures were taken from the Old Testament, which was completed some 400 years before Jesus was born.No critic, no atheist, no agnostic has ever claimed that any one of these writings was written after His birth. In fact, they were translated from Hebrew to Greek some 150 years before He was born.

The reason biblical prophecy works is that the future is known form the beginning. If you are reading this, God’s peace be with you.

 

Excerpts from an article by D. James Kennedy

What am I doing here? …and what do I hope to accomplish?

When I started writing these musings, I really had no idea where I was going with this. By and large, I still don’t. I only know that I feel compelled to record and publish my thoughts. I do NOT feel compelled to advertise these thoughts. I post them one place only, and that on the FaceBook page of a small church.

Do I feel compelled by the Holy Spirit to do this? My initial answer is no. I have felt the urge to record my thoughts for years now, since way before I ever cared for anything of God. But I never acted seriously on it. So do I feel compelled by the Holy Spirit to do this, given my understanding of predetermination and predestination? The answer suddenly becomes yes.

About 2 or 3 years ago, I can’t remember exactly why or when, only that I had just started back to school. This would mean it was closer to 3 years ago. Anyway, I don’t even remember why he was here, but I was visited by an older gentleman. We got to talking computers (I studied Information Technology), and he told me I should use any gift I had to help others. I told him I had often thought about recording my thoughts, and perhaps as I learned about I.T., I could be of some use to somebody. He looked at me like I was an idiot. I don’t remember his words, but I remember their meaning. He felt that a fairly well-spoken fellow like myself, with computer skills, should use these gifts to glorify God. I was completely baffled by the idea. How can I use a computer to glorify God? He expressed something along the lines that I would figure it out. Now understand, at the time, my largest concern was how I was going to pay the mortgage. I was only thinking of computers as a means to make some money. When I said I wanted to help people, what I really meant was that I wanted people to pay me to help them. Silly human….

Anyway, as I have mentioned in a previous post, I am still taking milk instead of meat. That said, perhaps I could be of some help by telling of some of my basic difficulties and how I dealt with them. Perhaps I can share some of the joys and the setbacks I have experienced, and perhaps another new Christian can find some value to my musings. I think that is the direction I will go; for now anyway.

ISSUE: I went a very long time ignoring God. I have begged for His help, received it, and promptly put Him out of my mind. I did this for not just years, but decades.

What I have learned of this is a very Calvinistic truth. The reason I rejected God was that I was unable to seek after God until He called. It is not much more complicated than that. The first indication that He was calling was that I never lost that remembrance of Him. Of I could put Him out of my mind, but I always ended up remembering Him. When He finally did call, I did not feel overpowered per se’. But Here I am a couple years later, completely fixated on Him.

ISSUE: Some of my sins have been pretty awful. Unspeakable even. How could God be interested in somebody like me?

Am I the worst sinner of all time who ever got saved? I might argue yes, but in reality the answer is no. I borrowed the title of this blog form the Apostle Paul, to remind myself of this. Paul was the chief sinner. Ask him (read it), he says so. My point is, that any person who has God working in their life feels this same way. I am convinced of it. Have I murdered Christians? No. But I would venture to claim that I have sins under my belt that would have shocked even Saul.Even Paul.

ISSUE: So why would God choose me?

I have absolutely no idea, except I read that He did it before he even formed the world. I find it very difficult to wrap my head around that. But then I read, and see that He moved nations, people groups, and individuals to accomplish His decrees. Think about that. We all have a tendency to see God in the “big stuff”. When there is a hurricane or tornado that levels an entire community, even the world calls it an “Act of God”. But remember also that God used the moving of nations, and even individuals, just so there would be a King by the name of Cyrus. And by the way, He declared through a prophet that the king’s name would be Cyrus. If any individual in the heritage of Cyrus had “chosen” another mate, Cyrus would have never been born. Oddly “coincidental” was that his parents named him that.

I guess I sort of went chasing rabbits there for a bit, but I return to my question: Why would God choose me? I honestly don’t know, but thank Him each and every day for doing it. I thank Him in words that do not begin to describe how grateful I am.

This musing may well be turning into a two-pager. I’d like to keep my musings under a page for now. I look forward to continuing this journey, and this journal.

I will venture to guess, that since I am not advertising this blog, that if you found it, it was not by accident. I pray that I come across as truthful and I pray even harder that I somehow manage to glorify God in the process.

God’s peace to you, if you happen upon my musings.

Perseverance?

On my way to church this morning, something weighed on me that rears itself from time to time. I am not sure I can accurately describe it.

It seems that often, when I begin to feel comfortable with my faith, my faith lessens. I begin to feel confident about my direction and shortly thereafter, I lose some of the joy of my salvation. This sort of destroys the so-called joy of Christianity, as I always end up doubting my faith, and then doubling down on the faith. It’s cyclical.

I wonder if this, once again, is God’s hand at work; making sure I don’t ever feel confident but remain clinging to Him. Going back to a previous post about answered prayers, I can remember during my deepest despair, when I was just beginning to seek after Christ, I prayed earnestly that I never be able to forget that feeling of despair.

Can you hear the conversation in my mind? “Well, I got this faith thing going now. Perhaps I should stay up late watching a movie, rather than put myself to bed with the Word” (as I do every night). You can? Good, because I have this conversation with myself quite often. It amazes me that even as I am aware of the tremendous act of grace that God showed me by revealing Himself to me, that I could ever think that I would take this grace for granted.  You see, I know me. If God ever let me, I would forget about Him within the hour.

I am discovering that the life of a Christian is not easy, is not without conflict. With each new conflict I RUN back to the cross. I expect this will define the rest of my days.

So is Christianity a joy? Yes. It is a joy when I dwell on things to come. Is Christianity also a burden? Equally yes, in my opinion.

I don’t know why God would have me to write (type) these thoughts. Perhaps they will be of some value to someone. Perhaps it is just to help me understand what I struggle with. All I know is that I will continue to do it as long as I feel things weighing on me.

Prayers do get answered

When I was about 14 years old, I went to an in-patient facility to visit a friend who had attempted suicide. I ended up going back a coupe times, and during one of these visits, I met a petite Hispanic girl named “Toni”, also in for attempting suicide. She was so beautiful. In a way that only 14 year olds can do, I immediately fell in love with her. When she said she loved me too, I felt like I was walking on air. Soon after, she was released form the hospital, but I had no idea where she was released “to”, other than it was to foster care.

Of course, I was devastated. I remember telling a friend that I knew God would let me see her again, if only for one day. Of this, I felt certain. I can’t begin to tell you why I would say such a thing, because at the time I did not believe there even was a God.

Being the troubled teenager that I was, roughly a year later I found myself hitchhiking on a main street in Santa Anna California at 1 or 2 in the morning. Understand, this is a sprawling urban area, where one city borders another. I was miles form home, and do not now even remember where I was coming from, other that I was going the opposite direction, and then decided to turn around and head back. I crossed the street, and prepared to wait, as there was little traffic at that hour of the morning. As I stood there on the street corner I was thumbing from, Toni crossed the street. I couldn’t believe it was her! I asked her where she had come from; where was she staying. She said she was currently a runaway, having left that afternoon. She and I then hitchhiked back towards my home, and stayed all night at Mile Square Park in Fountain Valley. We talked, we held each other, almost till sun-up. It was, until that point, the best night of my life.

The next day, she was gone. Indeed, as I had prayed, God had delivered her into my life, but only for a day. Which begs the question, does a statement of faith in God, made by an unbeliever, even qualify as a prayer? Looking back on that event, I believe it is proof that I have always been among the Elect, even though it took another 30 years or so to figure that out.

Should I continue to describe the other prayers that God has affirmatively answered? Should I describe those that He has not? I probably will over time. But for today, my point is this: I believe a statement of faith, made by one of the elect even while still an unbeliever, is more powerful than I can ever fully comprehend. I mean, the city was so huge, so many days had passed, the time of day was so early and dark, what are the odds she would “happen” by? What were the chances she would disappear the very next day?

Of course, at that time, I wished she had not disappeared as she did. But I now realize that had she stayed, my prayer would have been of no effect.

God’s peace to you if you are reading my musings.

As I grow

Perhaps I should mention that during a car wreck I was in about 5 years ago, I suffered Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). One of the most frustrating aspects of this injury is it’s effect on my short-term memory, Prior to that crash, I considered myself “smarter than the average bear”. But now, unless I do something repeatedly, or unless it makes a huge impact on me, I don’t remember it just a day or two later. I can literally read a book, or watch a movie, and then watch it again “for the first time” a month or two later. I still know most everything I knew before the accident, but retaining new knowledge is very challenging for me. I believe that this affliction was placed upon me to ensure I never again stray too far from the Word.

Today at church, the Pastor delivered a very well spoken service. Theologically sound, pertinent, and well delivered. I have already forgotten most of it. This frustrates me more than I can describe. This affliction is what prevents me from sharing the Word very much. When I do, I stick to very basic teaching, largely due to me being afraid I will forget a critical part and teach in error. I do not seem to have any trouble grasping large concepts. I struggle very much with details. I am afraid I will get a detail wrong and either teach falsely, or turn the potential Christian away. What a relief it is to know that the called will come, but I wish I could play a larger role in this occurring.

For the past several weeks, I have dabbled into Christian Apologetics. I have decided that Apologetics contains too much meat, while I still require milk. I am not yet familiar enough with the “details” to try to defend the Word. This after studying most every day for a couple years now.

Speaking of “meat”, I have become very fond of the teachings of Elder Jim McCarty, who pastors a small church in Tennessee. He has a web site with years worth of recorded messages. I absolutely LOVE the style in which they conduct service. It is not “preaching”, it is teaching. Pastor Jim often fields questions and comments during the message, ensuring the topic is understood. He teaches line-by-line through the bible, and often spends hours on a single passage or chapter. If this sounds interesting to you, his achieved messages can be found at http://www.gcaarchive.com/index.shtml. If you are more into looking the teacher in the eyes, they also have a youtube channel at Salvation By Grace. Much in-depth learning to be had at these sites. I thank God daily for showing me this teacher. Although I prefer the line-by-line examinations of Scripture, there are also a couple topical messages. I would suggest a new Christian begin with the Sovereignty of God series.

As always, if you happen upon these musings, my hope is that God’s peace be yours.

Scott

By way of introduction

Hello,

I am Scott and I am a sinner. Although I have known this on some level for my entire adult life, I finally “got it” about 2 years ago. Now, as a baby in the faith, still drinking milk, I figure it worthwhile to document my journey. I wished I would have started earlier, both the journey and the documenting.

This is my quick testimony:

When I was about 17 or so, I recited the “sinner’s prayer” outside Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa California. I cannot even begin to describe the physical sensation I felt as I prayed that prayer. It was not an emotional experience, rather it was certainly physical. I felt it.

Even at that young age, I had dabbled in sin sufficient to make many hardened criminals cringe.

Then, just to prove my depravity, I consciously ignoring God it for the next 30 years or so. Oh, I could forget Him for weeks, then months at a time, but He always managed to remind me of Himself. Normally, this was very subtle, just a passing thought. During this time, I sought out and participated in every imaginable sort or sin.

About 5 years ago, I was in a life-changing car wreck. I should have died that day, and I live with the consequences still. I likely will for the rest of my days. 28 broken bones, 4 skull fractures an spinal fluid leaking out of my left ear. Surely, you say, this is enough to show a man the need to seek after God. After all, in His mercy, I was lucky to be alive, However, I argued against that very point, saying “There ain’t nothing lucky about this”. Talk about a hardened heart.

I was a construction worker at the time, and I returned to work WAY too soon. A guy’s got to have a paycheck, eh? This didn’t bode well, but I was struck by a passing comment from one of the foremen. He said “Apparently God still has something for you to do”. This struck me as truth.  But did I turn my stony heart to the LORD? Absolutely not. But I became fond of saying “God still has something for me to do, but I haven’t figured out what it is yet”.

Sad to say, but do you know what it took for me to finally seek God? - Money.

After the economy crashed in 2008, I became very despondent. I grew downright unpleasant to be around as the weeks being unemployed turned into months being unemployed. My wife, being the smart lady she is, put her foot where it doesn’t belong and made me go back to college. I don’t think either of us ever intended that I would graduate, but it was something to keep my mind occupied, and it provided a bit of income in the form of grants and student loans. Literally, we were living on borrowed money.

Anyway, after about a year of this, I started feeling overwhelmed by school, the growing debt we were incurring, and my lack of healing. About that time, I started re-connecting with old friends, inquiring about God. I felt drawn in a way I had never experienced. One of my dearest friends had recently become active in a Primitive Baptist Church in Texas. As a gift, he sent me a very condensed version of the Doctrines of Grace (Tulip), by Elder Bradley of the Cincinnati PBC. He asked that I open my mind and listen. So for the next couple days, I would listen to it on my way to school. I was about 3/4 way through Disk #2 (Unconditional Election) when it occurred to be that I might just be among the Elect of God. Elder Bradley was certainly describing me perfectly! I was struck so hard, that I had to push the pause button on the CD player in my truck, and pull over to think about what I had just heard. I realized that the reason I had ignored God all these years was that a) God had not yet called me, and b) I had never been taught of a powerful God. I had always been taught of a God sitting helplessly by, waiting for some poor creature like me to “accept” Him.

TULIP - Message 1, Part 1

Suddenly, I hungered for the word! I began reading my bible almost daily. I struggled with the King’s English of the KJV, but read and re-read the new testament. Following the advice of a talk show host on TV, I started praying on my knees each day. I had no idea how to pray, so I prayed the “Our Father” each and every day, hoping the Holy Spirit would intercede and make my prayers known to God. There’s been no turning back since!

I have become convinced that I never chose God, rather He chose me. I have come to realize that of myself I am nothing whatsoever. It is all of God. I am grateful beyond words that He would even notice a sinner like me; arguably the the chief of sinners.

As can be imagined, there is much more to the story. But I believe this should suffice for now. I look forward to posting more about this journey, catching up with the story, and then describing it as I go.

Praise be to Jesus.

God’s peace is my wish for anyone who happens upon my musings.