So very much has happened in the last couple months. I do not know where to begin.
I know so little in this world, but I have known one basic truth in the past 10 years: that my wife loves me unconditionally. If you count the past 3 years, I have known 2 truths, which now include my faith that the Lord came, lived, died, and raised.
Of these 2 things I have been certain. Of anything else, I only had opinions. I am cynical as they come, having been betrayed in one form or another by about anyone I’ve ever known for longer than about 10 years. Perhaps it is my trusting nature, in which I easily bare my soul for all to see, but I can count the people who have never betrayed me on one hand and I am 50 years old.
Almost a month ago now, one of these 2 truths I know was shattered, when my wife, out of the blue, told me she wants a divorce. No warning, no sign, no indication or discussion beforehand; just one Thursday evening she asked if I had noticed tension the past couple days. I said I had, and asked if I had done something wrong. She said that no I had not, but she has been thinking and wants a divorce. Among the reasons is that I have turned Christian, and we no longer have many common interests. In fairness, I was not a Christian when we met or when we married.
This was both of our 2nd marriages. Her first husband claimed to be Christian, but he was the type of Christian that would dangle the sinner over hell. He often told my wife how she was going to hell for whatever reason. He showed her that Christianity was something to be despised, to the point that when I first started growing interested in the things of God, she warned me very plainly: If I got carried away with my Christianity, there would be consequences.
I took this to heart, and never, ever tried to impose any of it on her. In hindsight, this was likely a mistake. I should have shared more of it with her.
Anyway, without so much as a discussion beforehand, my wife left me and has cut off all communication with me. This shattered one of the 2 basic truths I knew about the world, and has caused me to doubt anything I ever knew to be true. I still love the Lord, I still consider it an honor beyond my words that He might even consider including me in His eternal plan, but now I question. I question. I question.
I am 50 years old. Too old to even think about ever seeking another woman. I do not want another woman, but I am already so very lonely. The walls are closing in in this tiny house I am renting. I am progressing through the stages of grief, having been from sad to mad, and now struggling every day to keep the bitterness at bay.
I try to read scripture, which has provided me with such comfort. I find myself unable to concentrate and discover that my mind has wandered for 20 minutes in the middle of reading.
I have been supported by my Pastor and Assistant Pastor, to the point that I feel uncomfortable even asking for more of their time. I know fully that either would pshaw such a statement off, as I am sure either would gladly provide me with more time to talk, more shoulder to lean on. But it’s me; I can’t bring myself to ask for more time and sympathy.
I don’t know the time schedules for such things, but I keep telling myself that it has been almost a month, and I should be getting over it by now, or at least beginning to. But the hurt is still just as raw as it was from the beginning.
So as I wonder “Why me?” and “Why did this happen?”, I am reminded of a teacher who would answer “Why NOT you?” and “Why would you expect God to tell you?” I have learned beyond a certainty over the course of me life that all things do indeed happed for a reason. I long to know the reason for this one, this very shaking of my foundation.
Pitiful that a 50 year old guy can be so broken by a woman, especially a non-Christian woman.
I am thinking about missionary work. I have absolutely nothing holding me here any more. My body is broken (literally) and my heart and mind are bruised. I do not have many skills, but certainly I can help somewhere.
I will give this more thought and prayer. I would appreciate any prayer you, dear reader, can spare.
